in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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