I wish my penis had an off switch
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
