i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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