When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
