I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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