Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
