either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
