i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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