go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
