Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
