Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Operation Purity has been aborted
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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