It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
