headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
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