Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
