I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
