do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize