Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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