Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
