Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize