Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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