i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize