you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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