Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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