from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize