I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
