I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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