If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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