I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
