I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
My balls are so social today.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
