apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Why is your signature on my underwear?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
