When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
