cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
