I can feel you judging me through the phone.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
