Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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