Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
