i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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