While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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