got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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