The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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