apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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