So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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