I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
