I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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