you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
