Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
