You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
