Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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