Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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