9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
