dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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