hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
