textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
