Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The Olympian is in my bed
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
