So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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