I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
