a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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