we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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