I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
