So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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