It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
