I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
