i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
