If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
