did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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